What’s Trending Tuesday! Night Edition!

As a housewife, sometimes I forget what it feels like to have an adult conversation.  Whenever I am able go out with friends (when I get granted parole from my daughter the Warden), I find myself a little clueless with pop culture and/or big moments in Fashion if I’m unable to surf the internets or check Facebook before heading out! I can barely type this post with out tears falling or a naked body running around (sounds like a payday at a Strip Club).

I hate that we live in a FOMO (Fear.Of.Missing.Out.) society. It’s most likely a result of all the damb over-sharing we experience on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be surprise if people stathats-too-much-informationrted sharing their pap smears by Skype in the near future.(Wow your ovaries look viable, Congrats).

So for us busy moms (or busy people) who have no time to catch up or scroll through their FB timeline, here’s the top five things happening in the world of fashion that will keep you in the loop when at the dinner table with your cool, well-dressed and kid-less friends (they’re beautiful unicorns).

FIVE:

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Ooh Kanye you wrong for this..

I think its’ time to have an style intervention with Kim Kardashian. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love the way Kim has been dressing lately. She embodies the “just cause I had a baby doesn’t mean you die and your clothing choices should too” look that I love sooo much. I even recreated my own “Kimspired” look for my Instagram page. But as of late, something has gone terribly awry! Kim has signed on to be the new face of the Eau de Death Eaters (smells like grave yards and regret).

And somewhere Draco Malfoy is pissed and is ready to lip-synch for his life on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Did you see him “sissy that walk” when he ran off with his parents in the last Harry Potter? Fierce! I wish that movie would have ended in a walk off between him, Potter and Voldermort. Oh my god, my life would have completed its purposgiphyrupaule. I’ll stop, this is a conversation for another day.

Kimmie debut her bleach blond look this past weekend during Paris Fashion Week. I hope she scales it back a little though on the hair and sheer dresses soon. I love seeing her unconventional outfits (or at least the ones Kanye tells her to wear) but her new hair-do is distracting. But I’ll give my girl some slack, celebrities must do LOTS OF CRAY to stay in the limelight. Let’s thank the Lord above that at least its’ just hair this week.

FOUR:

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Image Source: The Guardian
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Well effing done.

Karl Lagerfeld turned his Chanel runway into a GIANT STARBUCKS! Okay Im kidding it was a recreation of french Cafe. The New York Times called it “Breakfast at Chanel”. In the show, they actually handed out real life snacks AND juice which of course I’m sure no one ate. It seriously was the most ahmazing runway show I’ve ever seen in a while. When its’ Paris Fashion week, DESIGNERS GO ALL THE WAY IN THE PAINT. And by paint, some poor souls literally stayed up all week building a real life La Madeleine (give me some Apple Bread now) all for 12 minute show. That has to hurt in the deepest of all places in your body but hopefully they got paid some serious coin.

THREE:

Speaking of Paris Fashion week, OMG there was Zoolander reunion in Valentino show last night (or this morning). Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson gave serious face while hitting the runway to promote Zoolander Part Deux, which comes out February 2016.  I have to be honest and say that I haven’t seen the greatest film ever made in its’ entirety. I’m pretty sure when I watched it, I was making out with my high school boyfriend at the time (speaking of oversharing).

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What say we settle this on the runway… Han-Solo? Are you challenging me to a walk-off… Boo-Lander? Image Source: Vogue.com

But I think I got the gist of the film. Fierce walks, epic stares and heavy eyeliner. Got it. This isn’t the first time a designer used celebrities to promote their runway shows. And in this world of “advertise things anywhere you can” I’m sure it won’t be the last time either.

TWO:

Here’s another list inside of my already top five list because I am woman who talks and types in A.D.D tangents:

1. Gingham 2.White on White 3.Yellow 4.Wide Leg Denim and 5.Shirt Dresses.

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Image Source: Google

If you don’t have any these trends in your closet for Spring 2015, go ahead and volunteer as tribute. I’m kidding, next week I’ll post my outfits of the top trends of Spring 2015 and tell you where and how to find them.

And for my number ONE Trend for Tuesday:

THIS BLOG! No honestly, I ran out of fashion things to say but I want everyone to take the time look at what’s happening at the White House, Oklahoma and Madison,Wisconsin. Personally, I use fashion as my escape method, but there’s nothing wrong keeping up with current world events either. Its’ tough watching the news right now. As soon as the world starts getting stupid, I log onto Pinterest, drink a glass of wine and pull the covers over my head. But as human beings, we should stay informed on more than the superficial things of life.

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Tell me when its over Jesus.

So if you want your Fashion information with a side of humor, current world news and glass of sweet tea (mixed with Vodka) come back and visit my page. The world is too complex for everything to be about clothes. Fashion can be amazing pieces of walking art but in the end it’s just clothes. Okay now you’ve been informed.Go to your fancy dinners this week if you’re lucky and try to make it past 9pm. Enjoy.

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Good Morning, it’s your dreams calling on line one.

Happy “you made through another week” day! These past few weeks have been truly kicking me in the face. I wake up everyday feeling like Panama City Beach Spring break minus the flat stomach and sand in my arse.

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Have you seen this woman? Cause I haven’t in 10 years.

Monday is here and it’s always the day I tell myself that this week is going to be different.  I’m going to reset my life, get this blog going, make fancy breakfasts and exercise. By Thursday, I’m face deep in two glasses of wine and a box of peeps (don’t judge my journey).

This morning however,  I woke up with a different perspective for something reason, but I’m so glad. The hardest thing I have to do is write down a couple of feelings, posts a few outfits and organize a few closets. How hard is that really Jessica Yvette Gautier (Its serious if you say your whole name)? It’s not anywhere as difficult as what other moms around the world have to face each day.

So it got me to thinking, what’s the problem?  Why is so hard for me to get motivated for the week and get off my butt and start a damn business?

The answer is that I think too much. I dream too much. There’s a quote that says, “The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up”.

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Insert fancy Bokeh Light Quoty Picture

Well damn. Yous was right Paul Valery. Sometimes I find myself dreaming so much about all the things I want to do, that I never ACT on them.

But that ends today! It’s already March! We have 9 months left to make 2015 the best year ever!
So this morning, now that you’ve woke up like dis, WAKE UP! Stop complaining about your current situation and make something happen.

Maybe you want to open a store on Etsy, lose that last 10lbs or get a promotion. The only way these things will come to fruition is by starting somewhere!

This blog post may be random and  but this is how I’m forcing myself to start somewhere. I hope you guys take whatever dreams you’ve been dreaming about, wake up and take action too. Enjoy.

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The look for less than you think…

Oh my God (Tay-Tay Swift voice), its been a super crazy couple of months in the world of Fashion. Why heck, its been a couple of crazy months for me and the hubs. I’ve been seriously procrastinating in the blogging and starting a business situation of my life. My pimp has so much slack right now.

About two months ago, we moved into our brand new house. And then all hell broke loose. First, there was flood in the bathroom that damaged a good chunk of our hardwood floors. Then we lost power to our AC/HEAT unit for two days, while trying to change a thermostat (I’m no Bob Villa). And to top it off, a sewer pipe overflowed back into our tub (gross) while trying to prep our house for a visit from my in-laws. AND maybe because I’m a masochist, I also hosted my son’s Birthday party AND a Superbowl party within a one week span. I just sat down for the first time in 3 months. My legs feel like Jello and we are out of wine (Jesus where are you with those magical wine filling capabilities. Fill it Jesus!)

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Someone buy this shirt for me right now!!!

Speaking of Superbowl, this weekend is the Super Bowl of all fashion events, the Oscars. A dream come true to those of us who love the fashion industry. It also marks the end of Mercedes Benz Fashion week, so excuse me why I cry a few tears into my shirt and scream. Unfortunately going to Fashion Week or attending the Oscars is something us regular folk can only sit back and watch from a TV screen (for now muhahahahaha). Sadly we are outsiders standing in front a window filled with Christian Louboutin Shoes and Marchesa gowns.

So what does the everyday small town Fashionista have to look forward to? Well get out your war paint ladies and gents! Grab your tennis shoes or rain boots cause WINTER CLEARANCE SALES are underway! Grab whatever Sallie Mae has left you from your refund check and head to the stores! You may be reading this and thinking its probably too late (drake-isms), but its NOT! I promise! January and February (spell it right WHITE HOUSE) are the best time to get the real deep discounts. Forget that “after Christmas sales non-sense” too. Its a distraction from the sales that can really save you money.

funny-people-shopping-Black-fridayRetail stores, like most businesses do not operate on a regular calendar. They break everything down into 4 quarters. Before a quarter is even finished companies have already moved on to the next quarter (or season in the fashion terms). Which if you work(ed) in retail like myself for ten years this can make your job it frustrating as hell.

Here’s a common scenario you will hear in a store around this time:

Stock Guy: What do you want me to do with this box of 600 Neon Aztec Swimsuits?

Me: What? WE STILL HAVE SIX HUNNID NEON COW PRINT SWEATERS ON THE FLOOR!! How am I supposed to merchandise Cow Print sweaters and swimsuits together?? (Rambles in other language I’ve made up, then throws boxes on the ground)

Stock Guy: Can I take a smoke break?

Me:……..

So around Christmas you’re stuck trying sell a table full of fuzzy cow sweaters next to rack full of Aztec swimsuits. Maybe in a larger market like New York or L.A. you can convince a shopper that the New Aztec Festival Farmer look is the hottest new trend. But for the rest of country the (especially here in the south), people are generally basic (no shade) and most fashion concepts that stores try to sell makes no sense to the average shopper. Thus retailers MUST get rid of their old winter product ASAP.

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Read em’ and weep.

Shopping through endless racks of clearance is my absolute favorite thing to do. I see a red sale sign and I light up like a Christmas tree. But seriously, during the clearance sales season I have to take a pause and shop at only one or two stores. I like to shop at my local T.J Maxx or Marshalls where I buy designer items marked down for an even lower price.

Stores are heavily discounting (almost up to 70%) winter coats, boots, and large leather bags. But heed my warning, only by CLASSIC ITEMS that can stand the test of time. Stray away from leather bomber jackets with skulls and silver spikes. Trendy items will come back around again, but only buy them in tops or accessories. Coats and Boots purchases should carry you through several seasons.

I went to Ross a couple of weeks ago and I sweater gawd I had a mini orgasm in the middle of the store. T.M.I I know, but they marked their winter items down to as low as FORTY FIVE CENTS!! Yes you READ that! For less than the price of a steak buffet in a dirty hotel in Vegas, I bought a dress, two pairs of pants, 4 sweaters, a purse and a Kimono all for less than $14.I send out a bird call to my family (my bad friends) and they circled the store like Vultures. We cleaned that place out like the last batch of chicken wings at the club.THANKS TO THIS ETERNAL WINTER SET BY ELSA, I still have a chance to wear most of it which is awesome. Check out more pics of my haul below.

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My Sweater Haul!

Sadly I saw some customers making another huge shopping mistake while digging through Clearance racks. It is a disease that afflicts so many people, particularity the older generation of African American women (I’m talking to you momma nem’). It is called JBS, also known as Just Buying Sh*T. Millions of women just be shopping, be shopping buying stuff they absolutely do NOT need. I saw an old lady with an entire cart full of clothes. MAM? Where are you headed with those leopard leggings out of the Junior section? Come back here right now!

Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you need it. While shopping, ask yourself, “Will I wear this a year from now?” If the answer is no, then put it down (Grabs BULL HORN) PUT IT DOWN! Often JBS is the leading cause of some worlds’ greatest fashion crimes. Do us all a favor and stapphhhhhhhhhhhh! Again (I am screaming this loudly while typing) stick to classic silhouettes and colors. If you are unsure if something is considered classic, checkout People Style Watch and In Style magazine.They always have great articles on what looks to keep and toss.

So what’s the take away from this post:

Shop JANUARY AND FEBRUARY for classic winter items and SEPTEMBER and OCTOBER for Summer items. If you see signs that say “Christmas Blow Out” or “JULY SHOPPING SPECTACULAR” run motherfudgers run. Just sit back, be patient and shop during those months for the best savings.

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Imitation Leather Shorts By Forever 21

One last thing, many of my friends asked how to do have so many great clothes? Well two things… I GO FREAKING SHOPPING! Yes I know some of you hate shopping but if you never shop, you will never find anything. I also buy things without having an intention or place in my mind to wear them. So if you see something you like and the price is right, FREAKING BUY IT. If you are unsure how to wear it, you can also seek advice from your friendly neighborhood stylist (cough cough). Now go forth, before all the good stuff is gone! My family and I have cleared out most of my city, but I’ve linked below some of my favorite online stores with the best clearance sales on the web! Enjoy.

Forever 21

Choies

T.J Maxx 

A.S.O.S

H&M 

Dorthy Perkins

River Island

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Sweet purse for $1.49

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Left: Black Acid Wash .49 cents Right: Vintage Pink Levis $1.49

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Festival Style $3.99

                                                    

This is MY HAIR STORY. A Cautionary tale of Woe and Wonderful.

It was a cool brisk fall day. Light from the golden orange sun beamed through the seamless blinds. As I arose from a restless slumber, I noticed a matted, wool like substance upon the crown of my head.

It was my effing hair y’all. And it was a effing hot mess. I woke up like this. My beautiful freshly relaxed hair was now broken, burnt and bitter.

What happen you’d say? Well let’s take a moment, jump in the Delorean and journey back to the beginning of my hair story.

About two months ago, I decided after being natural for 3 years to get a relaxer. I’d missed that creamy silky high and that creamy crack was calling my name day and night. I missed my bangs and running my fingers through my hair.

So I called up my crack dealer Dr. Walgreens and said, “Can I get just a hit? No super you know, just regular will do.” and he said “of course boo, you know I got you!

Voilà! My hair was laid like silk sheets on a pimp’s bed. A few (literally four) weeks later it was time for UT’s Homecoming and for some foolish reason I thought I needed another hit. I wanted my hair to be bone straight as it was when I first relaxed (old habits die hard).

I went to my regular dealer but he raised the prices of my usual stuff. So he offered me a discount on a cheaper version, promising me the same results.
I thought, this will be l fine..I’ve used cheaper sources before I went natural and I’m only going to hit it for a few minutes, so what could go wrong?

Welp, YOUR HAIR COULD FALL THE EFF OUT! And that’s exactly what happened.  As the days went by, my hair started to crumble in my hands. It was limp, lifeless, full of product and sadness.

I needed solutions fast. I thought maybe I could rock a mohawk until the broken off sides near my edges and ears grew back.
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Wrong! It was still shedding at an alarming rate. And frankly it looked a hot mess. My new growth did not get the message that my hair had been relaxed and was growing in its original curl pattern (well of course duh).

I had two options. Pay a million bucks to get a skilled stylist to give my hair life again or I could “Big Chop” for the 3rd time?

So what did I choose?

Yeah you guessed right.
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But before anyone throws me a side of #toldyousogirl or #teamnaturalbooboo, have a crock pot full of HUSH UP!
That was harsh, but it’s the truth. Comments in that very nature have always me very reluctant to share my hairstory.

Whenever someone decides to go natural or get relaxer, I notice that women begin shoot each other down and make proclamations to each other regarding which decision is the right one.

We will like/dislike, comment, post and judge on our Facebook pages and Twitter #teamnatural #teamlightskin #teamdarkskin #teamyellowgirl #teamkankelon #teamyaki #teammychurchisbetter #teamimbetterthanyou

But rarely do I see enough women put that much energy and support with things that matter like #teamhewillhityouagain #team401K #teamlearnhowtocook #teamvoteonNov4.

I had a “friend” who love to “natural hair shame” me because I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. At one point, when I guess she was fed up with the status of MY hair this “friend” deletes me from her friend list. Real Polly Petty? Over some hair? GIRL BYE!

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Unless you’re footing the bill for my hair dresser, take a soccer stadium full of seats (and yes that’s whole lotta of seats…)

So today I’m #teambald. I eff up my hair and I am living with the consquences of poor hair maintenance.

But I will also be completely honest and admit some of my own truth. I really hated having to do my hair. It’s like I had relaxer amnesia. To keep a short layer cut, look at all the products I thought I needed to use:
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And look at how many I have to use being natural:
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Now let’s all say it together now. Ain’t nobody got time for *fill in the blanks.
And the way our one-income household is set up, getting my hair “did” every two weeks is not financially possible at this time.

So that’s my hairstory. My blog will go back to posting cute clothes and crazy stories about my kids.I will not be posting pics of 4C Bobby Ricky Mike Curls or teaching you how to do Bantu knots using fishing wire and some dreams. I just felt the need to share with you my thoughts about MY hair.

In two months, I might go back to that crack (with professional maintenance), I might be #teambraids or #teambald again.

At the end of the day, this HAIRSTORY is mine and your Hairstory is yours.
Instead, let’s celebrate things that matter like a new job, boo or baby.

Let’s also be mindful of what we say to each other as women, even if it seems harmless. Let’s start building each other up by #tagging words that uplift instead of tear down.

Luckily for me, for every negative natural hair comment or crazy hair experience I have had, I am blessed with friends and family who support me no matter what and for that I’m #blessed. Toodles.
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Homeless Chic? Wayment….that’s not a real thing is it?

*Disclaimer: Being homeless is not funny, but dressing like your homeless when you in fact YOU ARE NOT HOMELESS is hilariously ironic and just sad. I’m completely guilty of dressing this way all the time, so bear with me. If you’re feeling guilty about the chuckles you may have while reading this, check out this link regarding the epidemic of homelessness in our very own America the Beautiful..(yes this article will induce a case of side eyes).

Did you enjoy your weekend? How did it feel stretching out and rolling over in your nice comfy beds? I spent yet another restless night sleeping in the fetal position on my sister’s sofa. As I previously stated, we are currently couch crashing, patiently waiting to move into our remodeled home.
When we first started our adventure in homelessness, I neatly folded all of our clothes in cute colorful (and OCD labeled) tupperware boxes. But as the days go by, my organization is going to sh$t. Now I find myself stuffing our clean clothes in black unmarked garbage bags (2% try). The tiny hall closet where we housed our crap is starting to resemble a place where someone keeps dead bodies (I think we all know who’s responsible).

Look Mommy this I where I keep the bodies....
Look Mommy this is where I keep the dead bodies…

I’ve been wearing my clothes in layers like I don’t know where I will lay my head at night (prostitution training 101). But I don’t care! Judge Me not Ye world! I’ve been rocking the homeless chic look for years. It’s the look that starts in the Fall where hipsters (or blipsters in my case) will add layer after layer until we look like the bargain bin at a Goodwill.

But to prevent a layering-apocalypse (and side eyes from my family) I’ve decided to keep out only a few items and recycle them over the next week. I also purchased a gray hoodie and a white v-neck to toss in the clothing rotation for sanitation purposes. Although frustrating, this situation has help me realize so many things:

1.I have too many damn clothes. (Denial is one hell of a drug)

2.I could make a pallet with my clothes if I was ever homeless for real.
(Look it’s pillow of debt and sadness where my tears will fall)

3. To make great outfits you don’t need a lot of clothes.

NOW wayment!!! Even though I own a ridiculous amount clothing, I’ve always been very “anti-I need a new outfit every time I step outside”.

I believe, when shopping for clothes, focus your attention on buying pieces you can wear repeatedly. A nice white v-neck and some jeans can take you further than any pair of tribal prints leggings could ever take you (I will be discussing this epidemic in a future blog).

These are the pieces I used :

A trash bag of wonderful...
A trash bag of wonderful..

So below I’ve posted looks rotating the pieces above. I’ve managed to whip out four looks. I could have made more outfits, but I spent most of my day being held hostage by two toddlers with sharp toys as weapons (someone dial 911).

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I managed to scrounge up some accessories to complete the looks. And I challenged myself to only use two pairs of shoes.

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Now I challenge YOU to go in your closets! Grab 2 pairs of shirts, 2 pairs of pants and a layering piece (a jacket or vest) and see how many outfit combinations you can come up with!

Feel free to post or comment pics of your outfit combinations. This little activity can also be beneficial in better preparing you and your family for work or school (with yo late selves).

Take my adventure in homelessness as a lesson. Half of the crap we think we need, we actually don’t! Sometimes you just need a little creativity and some time on your hands.

Think about the clothes you own and their purpose. Can you wear an item more than once? Is it versatile and be worn in different ways? If not, get a large black garbage bag and give it way. Another man’s trash is another one’s treasure. Enjoy.

Dress. Leather Pants. Vest:
http://www.forever21.com

Tee and Sweatshirt:
Good ol’ Rugged Warehouse.

FIND SIMILAR LOOKS HERE:

Leather Sweats

Sweatshirt

Buffalo Print Scarf

Polka Dot Dress

Military Vest

Yep in my White Tee!

Well look what the cat dragged in….its procrastination season.

Fall is that you?.. I couldn’t tell by the seventy five degree weather we’re having in the south. Normally about this time I would be throwing all my summer shiz a in box never to look back. Unfortunately to my dismay, the sun is still beaming on my back like Sallie Mae looking for a check.

Coincidentally, the hubs and I are currently crashing at my sisters’ house living out of four tupperware boxes waiting to move into our house that’s being remodeled. I don’t know which way is up and if my shirt is on backwards (which it was all day yesterday until my sister came home and gave me the 411). Woe is me, first world problems, blah blah….

This leaves me recycling the same jeans four days in a row (Ew girl you’re nasty.. I know..Judge away!). But I’ve been switching up my looks with whatever tops and jackets that are easily accessible. Since we’re stuck in the groundhog days of summer/fall it’s kind of nice to just switch a top or two around and voila it looked like I cared.

So today I’m posting my favorite fall transition outfit. I found this red flannel at the thrift store in the kids section! It’s thick enough to wear as a jacket, but thin enough to wear as a shirt when you wear a tank underneath.

Lumberjack Love...Get u some
Lumberjack Love…Get u some

It’s my new best friend and super on trend for fall. Don’t pay forty five dollars at American Eagle for these shirts either. You can find them in any “hardworking man” department of Walmart (you know what I’m talking about too.) I’ve paired my shirt with my four day stinky boyfriend jeans, a grey oversize tee, and a statement necklace. I wear the shirt around my waist until it gets cool enough to wear as a jacket in the evening. It’s a simple outfit solution to combat this crazy weather. Enjoy.